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Skateboarding News

Monday, June 20, 2011

VanzZoo skatepark to open soon

From Press Release.
View of the VanzZoo from the DJ booth
Huntington Beach, California— After months of public anticipation, the Vanz Zoo-Park will finally open its new skate-park exhibit next week-end in beautiful Huntington Beach.

The state-of-the-art Zoo-Park, crafted by Californian Zoo-Parks (who else?) was built over the past 10 months at a cost of $4.5 million, and is poised to draw record crowds when the park opens its door next weekend.

It will feature a full scale skatepark, complete with replica of backyard pools, ramps, bowls and street course and 15 skaters selected from the crème-de-le crème.

The conservationists have been very careful to pick up the skaters from places as far and exotic as The Ranch, Pipeline, Marina Del Rey, Gonzales, Bellmar and Riverside area. The so called “Blue File” Pool Skaters from Rancho Cucamonga will not be included in the panel. Everything has been made to bring attention to details. One of the pools has been left several months in foul water filled with diapers, dead animals and even mosquitoes imported from the Nile. The result is a perfect smelly concrete surface that looks as smooth as a real foreclosured pool. A big sound system will blast all day songs from Suicidal Tendencies to The Goat.

Among the board of directors of the new Zoo are Jake Felps and Dave Carne. Carne is a well known high-flyer vegetarian but he is especially know for his involvement in the skateboard business. “We’re really fucking excited to have Dave Carne on board,” said Fontana II, the VP of Global Brands at Vanz Zoo-Park. “Dave’s long time experiment and mental manipulation with skaters has been long and obviously very colorful. Not to mention, that the motherfucker has authored some of the best fucking lies –sorry- lines, both in pools and on paper.”

“Fuck dude,” Carne said about the appointment, “I’m fucking really fucking, like, fuck. But, fuck—butt fuck?—it’s kind of fucking funny because, seriously, I don’t fucking know any fucking shit about fuckin’ Zoos.”

When asked what he thinks about the setting of the Zoo-Park, Jake Felps simply answered: “That’s an impossible mission! I don’t see any SOTY here. Where are the fucking Soties? Oh shit, give me a beer”. When the reporter corrected that he was talking about settings, not soties, Felps just said: “Yeah, Fuck You Tube too”.

The indigenous skaters have been introduced into the Zoo-Park last week and they already seem to acclimate very well.

"They're really adjusting nicely," Carne said. "They've already started to grind the various copings, and I think that, within a couple of weeks, they'll be just about ready to start big airs."

Of course, the best part of the exhibit is the feeding of the skaters which is left to nobody else but Cyril Van Doren. Four times a day (at 8am, 12noon, 4pm and 9pm). Cyril Van Doren enters the compound and prepares delicious hot dogs from a grill. A must in skater’s opinion. The skater’s diet is reviewed every week by Lance a famous nutritionist who works for Mountain Dew.

Down Beaustick, the president of the WCS is already thinking about a bowl contest in September were exogenous species from France and especially Brazil will be introduced to compete with the locals. She says that, although the FDA has not given its import approval yet, citing conflicting with USCIS and saying that imports might not be necessary as long as you can easily find French around Beverly Hills and Brazilians from Venice Blvd…

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posted by Xavier Lannes @ Monday, June 20, 2011 


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